My parents always told me to never quit one job before you had another. I had done fairly well in following that, until recently. When God told me to move on from my last position, I was nervous, but I knew my steps were being guided. I have been absolutely blown away by the opportunities and moments I have had over the last two months. Truly, God has been at work.
Often, God being at work, looks really pretty and put together... okay, actually that isn't true at all. In this season of my life it looks like being poor, unemployed, and a little chaotic. Reality is, people to whom you owe money don't really care that you're "waiting on God." However, God has used this time to show me his love and faithfulness. I am amazed that He pursues me.
I don't really know how to type this in a way that doesn't sound stupid or like a fishing trip for compliments... but here goes. The truth is, in this economy I didn't really expect to have a job offer that would be much more than... well, retail... maybe? Yet, I have had multiple offers and opportunities in ministry that are beyond anything I imagined. As it turns out (and this is the part where I'm going to sound like a tool), I am actually good at what I do and people actually want me on their team. Seriously. This blows my mind! I promise you, and my family would attest, that there was a time when no one wanted to here me sing and certainly, no one wanted to suffer through my guitar playing. I was bad... really bad. No, really super terribly bad. And the worst part... I didn't really know it.
But in God's economy, nothing is wasted and he is in the business of transforming passion and desire into giftedness. How many people do you know that preached a "home run" their first service? Not many, I am sure. Yet, God can take the willing heart and passionate communicator and transform him into an articulate teacher. I feel that God is shaping me and growing me to be better at leading worship. To write better songs. To love people better. To know Him better. And for the first time in my life, this "better" isn't some vain attempt to win God's affection or His approval... or anyone else's for that matter.
For once, my "better" is just authentically and transparently chasing after the heart of Christ through my passion for music and worship. Sometimes, that "better" is me sharing a story about my not so "better" moments or choices. Sometimes, that "better" is playing some wrong chords, though my heart was postured for worship. Right now "better" is the intangible drawing near of my heart toward Christ, not the pursuit of perfection and "put-togetherness" it once was.
We (the Church) are sheep and sheep are dirty. They smell bad. They are messy. They are dumb. I am dirty. I smell bad. I am messy. I am dumb. And yet- Christ chases me and leads me and guides me and shapes me. And, contrary to my tightly held belief, not in some attempt to make me or enable me to be perfect. My pursuit is to be for righteousness, not perfection. Righteousness. Not Perfection.
I have not yet committed to a church or accepted a position. I don't know where I will be next month or next year. I am currently just taking this time to write some music and to share my music. The darkness can be frightening. That is certain. But I promise you, knowing fully because I have been there myself, opportunity is just on the other side of darkness. Whatever your personal darkness may be.